I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
