i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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