the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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