The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
