What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
