I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
