i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
