I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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