we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
