i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
