From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
