Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
