If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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