my soul wont recognize me after tonight
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
