He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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