Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
