Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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