I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
