Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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