put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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