Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
false alarm, still single
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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