I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
