Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I could make wine with my vomit
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
