im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
