so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
