wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼‍♀️
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
