I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
