We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
