our cab driver is having phone sex.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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