Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
