Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I have already put on my inside pants.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
