my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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