I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
