Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
