I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
