Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
