I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
