I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
