My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
