dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
