She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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