i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
