You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
