I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
