I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
