She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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