He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
