Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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