someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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