were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
